I wonder what kind of feeling I am having now, being in this cool down period, it has been nearly two months. From emotionally broke down, try to do billions of stupid stuffs to save our relationship, until now. I’ve made everyone worried about me, my family, friends and colleagues.
From a chubby me, until I’m now like a skeleton; from half a pack a day of ciggie until now 1 and half pack a day, I’ve lose all my appetite even to the food I love the most, I asked myself, over and over again, am I doing any good to myself? Am I doing any good to this relationship or to him or even to everyone that cares for me so much? I couldn’t get any answer out of my brain, I know whatever that I’ve been doing throughout this cool down period are stupid enough to kill him or myself. I don’t know why but I just couldn’t help it. Every single day, every single minute, every second, he appears in my mind, non- stop running throughout my mind, just non-stop. I felt tired for him, and I felt tired for myself. Have you ever had this feeling? You hope to be beside someone to give support to, to take care of, but yet you known you will never stand a chance to do so, you are not given a chance, not even a single chance, and this person is the one you love so much, so deeply.
How am I feeling now? I believe no one could know better than he does, you may ask why. I remember once I called to explain on the reason why I will change the status. I remembered it very clearly how he put his words in as it’s hurts me so much, so deep. No one wanted this to happened, especially me as I know how important his mom is to him; if given a chance to meet God, I would grant for a wish, that his mom and dad will live happily forever after, I would grant with 10 years of my life that they will live happily with no pain and sickness. This is how important his mom to him and this is how important he is to me. How am I feeling now? Same answer given above, no one could know better than he does, his mom leave to God’s hand, he couldn’t see her anymore, he is depressed and down, pain and he miss her so much, she keeps appearing in his mind every day, every minute and on top of that he is worried of his dad that he couldn’t be beside every day to give support, to protect him. Me being a girlfriend, knowing that he’s still there, still living good, but ironically I couldn’t see him too, is just like he’s forever gone, no updates from him, couldn’t get to see him, can’t be beside him to support and protect him, take care of him, is just like he couldn’t be beside his father and he will not get any updates from his mom. So, beside him, who else would know better how am I feeling now?
I know he’s messed up with his mind, he don’t know how to face me and things that happened, he still have too much that he needed to settle, before he could meet me up for an answer. I was so afraid right at the beginning until now. What kind of answer? Not saying that I don’t believe in him, but who will not be afraid? You might lose someone that you care so much, you love so much. The answer remains unknown, to me, or even to him. How am I not worrying over it? I believe he knows about it too.
I could still remember that night clearly, everything seems so fine, dinner, movie chit chatting… why will I have this feel that this will become my memories after these?
I still remember I asked him, could you promise me that this cool down period will not lead to a break up; it’s just a purely cool down period? He said yes, this will never be a break up, is just a cool down period for him to rearrange all the things that happened during these days as he couldn’t swallow everything at one time. I kept all this in mind as I was so afraid, so afraid of losing him by giving him this cool down period, even until now.
I still remember clearly the called that he made that night, he apologized and promised that this will be purely a cool down period, but he’s sorry that he couldn’t give a timeline for it, he just can’t do that, he knows he’s being too selfish leaving me all alone here with my life, he continued saying that I could still call and text him as and when I needed, he’ll update me with what ever happened, try to reply my text and answer my call. I felt a bit relief as I know he’s a person that kept his promises, but it’s just way too different now from what he promised and said. But promises turns blur day by day. Yes, I’m worried, I trust him yet I have doubts on action that he made. It makes everything become more blur each day.
I flipped through all our photos, photos that we took as and when we were together, I realize something special. I don’t like to take photos as it makes me like a nut seeing myself in the square box, captured, and they are always so freaking ugly. Surprisingly, now only I realize photos that we took seriously a lot, from the day we met until today. Compare to my passed relationship, photos that I took with him, or photos that I allow him took is the most.
So, you might ask, what will I do next? Typing all these just letting out my emotional? Yes, besides waiting, the answer is still waiting, how long? No one knows, even himself. What if he doesn’t come back? I don’t know, because until now, I still believe. Why? Because until now I still believe his promise. He said he’ll never break his promise, and I choose to believe. What if he already has someone now and just wanted a time to let you let go of him? I don’t know, but this very moment I know I still love him.
Yes, typing all this out is just to relief my emotions, just another rant of me. I’ve been disturbing all my buddies all these time, from concern, to worried, to numb, and to bore. I have to stand up by myself, and I know this very clearly, no one could help me beside myself. I don’t want to make everyone that cares for me to worry me anymore. More over I’ve promise my grandfather and myself that I’ll live each day happily. It’s always okay to fall down, be hurt, to have failure, or even to lose someone which is so important in life. The most important thing is to give myself a timeline to be sad, to truly feel hurt, to cry, to wake up, to be strong again, and to stand up again. This is part of the life that everyone will need to face; life and death; gain and lose; success and failure. The most important thing is after all this, what we learned? What is the outcome? Some choose to forever letting themselves fall, some choose to be depressed and refuse to stand up, and I believe strongly they know this is not the way. I choose to stand up, yes it takes time, but at least I’ve started to open myself, face the problem, accepting it, try my very best to solve it and whether will it be good or bad, let go of it. Stuck in the same problem doesn’t help at all.