Shouting My Lungs OUT LOUD!!

听说友情,爱情,亲情都来过...

2010-11-16T13:04:00.008+08:00

以前的男友曾经告诉我, 朋友就像河流, 他们会在你的生命里出现, 逗留一阵子, 然后慢慢的走掉. 这个走了后, 你又发觉新的朋友又把他们的脚印留在你心上, 代替了之前那个,然后又逗留一阵子然后又离去. 友情, 很不实际, 基本上它和爱情没两样.

我还记得, 当时我是这样回答他的, 我相信我的朋友, 友情不会因时间而消失, 他们应该就好像亲情一样. 朋友不会花心, 也知道珍惜; 他们会体谅, 也会关心; 我的朋友绝对不会被时间冲淡.

最近发生了很多事, 我就好像小学生一样, 还是应该用初生婴儿, 在我朋友, 亲人, 感情的字典里, 学会了更多的词句, 增加了很多前所未有的新知识. 从前在我家人朋友情人的字典里是没有什么所谓的底线, 没有厌倦, 没有讨厌, 没有冷静期, 没有能用尽的孝顺, 没有很多负面的. 以前的我很相信, 只要我肯付出, 别人不知道没关系, 只要家人朋友情人知道就好; 别人当我小丑没关系, 只要家人朋友情人不是这样想的就好; 别人不明白我的感受没有关系, 我相信家人朋友情人知道就好; 我有多爱一个人, 别人不知道没有关系, 只要他知道和珍惜就好. 因为家人朋友和情人就是开心的时候分享所有一切开心的事, 不开心的时候, 就是一个倾诉的对象. 对我情人确实更为重要一点, 因为我也明白到, 朋友可能会累, 家人可能会有更多东西需要烦, 或有些事你根本不会和家人说, 但情人绝对不会拒自己所爱的人与千里, 我相信在我最需要他的时候他会为我遮风挡雨; 当他需要我的时候, 我也为他打开我的避难所, 让他住进来, 确保他不被伤害. 我对朋友家人, 就是这样. 我对情人, 就是这样. 我对他们永不言倦,只要他们需要, 我肯定立刻报到. 对我而言家人朋友或男朋友没有很大很大的分别. 他们几乎都是平等重要的. 当然, 我会对情人的要求稍微高一点点, 因为我相信执子之手,与子皆老.

最近, 我发觉我好像想太多了, 以上所说的基本都是我自己一厢情愿. 原来我在朋友的心中, 是有一把尺的, 这把尺的长短, 就在于我在朋友心中的地位, 我可以这么说吗? 在朋友的立场, 他们有事肯定会找我帮忙, 他们知道我不会介意而且会很乐意, 因为他们知道我对他们是的关心是出自真心的. 就算什么都不说, 也喜欢我陪着他们, 静静地. 我也从不言倦, 只因为我知道被冷落的感受, 我疼他们, 我不想他们也经过我所经过的一切, 所以能帮到的, 我肯定帮. 到了现在, 我真的需要一个人陪我, 就算不出声也好, 只要陪陪我就够了. 但原来对他们来说是那么为难的. 朋友告诉我, 她说她对我已到了底线. 她看见我会很伤心, 但有帮不了忙,她已觉得见我是一件很烦的事, 很正面的跟我说了, 我是个很烦的人, 如果有的选, 她不会想要见我. 我呆了一会儿. 哈哈, 原来...感觉可以这么伤...感觉, 就好像被情人抛弃一样...我, 不比一个她认识了一年不到, 不回她信息, 不接她电话, 有事不会时常在身边的的朋友来的重要, 哈哈...讽刺...我被朋友彻底抛弃...

情人? 冷静期已进入3个月. 虽然我相信, 但也已经到了一个麻木的情况. 不懂他是否的麻木了呢? 这3个月里, 他并没有像我一样想知道对方的去向, 在做着什么, 也不会像我一样询问任何人彼此的近况. 他应该很忙吧? 3个月...是长吗?还是短呢?对我, 很长...一天不见如隔三秋, 听过没? 哈哈..但对他, 应该还真的很短吧? 这应该就是他所说的, "it always an open ended statement"因为大家都有自己的做事的一套.

The Story About the BOX

2010-11-15T14:06:00.002+08:00

The Story about the BOX in Brain
I heard a story about the Box in brain from one of my friend. He told me, regardless girls or guys, there always have few boxes in their brain. It categorizes these wayfamily box, relationship box, work box, “empty box” (for guys).
I believe all girls will come across this when they are in a relationship. The boyfriend will always tell them, “You know, everyone need own space, I need that too! So please leave me alone.” Then girls will normally ask: “Are you unhappy baby? Have something that bothering you?” and normally how their boyfriend or guy friend will answer? They will answer like this: “Nothing! I just need space and time!”
The girls will left no choice but to leave their beloved alone for no specific reason, and with lots of question marks in head and dare not ask further, but one thing for sure, girls will always don’t know why they need this space, and ask themselves: “Isn’t it all couples would love to stick together 24/7 if there is a chance?”
All the girls out there, here let me present you what a guy need, and what is the BOX in their head. We will have this box in our head as well. But we use it differently; we will open our box and hide ourselves in this box when we are sad, down, or disappointed with something. This is somewhat consider our sad box. We just don’t want to face the world, everything that happened so that’s why we hide ourselves in it to search for solutions, let ourselves being sad for awhile. We search for an explanation in it, our box is not empty, we might figure out things from there, or even a solution, and normally the time hiding in the box will not be long as we will get what we want inside quite fast. We girls hide inside this box for a reason. But let me tell you, guys are just so different from us. Their box contain nothing inside, nothing means nothing. The worst is not more than, they like to hide inside this box as and when they like. Whether or not they are facing any problem or just simply wanted to do nothing in the box and just hide inside. This is what they call it “their space”. You might want to know why, and you being a girl are so curious why they wanted to hide themselves? Tell you what, don’t ask, because you will never know why. Why? Let me have a clearer explanation to you, it is as simple as just because the guys don’t even know why they need it! See?
So, come on girls, create this box, and use it to them as well! Learn to be alone, learn to have your own space, hide inside as and when you like. No point keeps sacrificing all your time to them when they don’t even know how to appreciate it, no? Yes, it might looks like revenge; maybe yes its revenge, but maybe we should put it in another way. When a guy need time and space, they will force the girls to give them, tolerate with them, but have they ever think of how a girl feels when they do these things to them? So, girls maybe we should learn how to be alone too to “sort out our things”…

Live Your Life Like There's No Tomorrow?

2010-11-13T10:19:00.003+08:00

前阵子我常游荡在一个人际网页,名为 Facebook. 身为普通人, 八卦的我, 常常去查别人的update. 很意外的发现, 常常有人用这句话来形容他的人生, 或以这个为人生目标--Live Your Life Like There's No Tomorrow...这句话通常都是一些十来二十岁的人常用的一句话. 我在想, 他们所谓的意思是不是只要自己开心, 每天过着自己想要的生活就是Live Your Life Like There's No Tomorrow呢? 他们已经知道怎么去面对现在的自己,这社会, 他们所处于的情况, 他们会面对一切了吗?

你可以每天很开心的过着每一天, 把当下所有的烦恼给抛开,然后吃自己喜欢吃的, 玩自己喜欢玩的, 和自己喜欢的人腻在一起, 过自己当下想要过的生活, 这就是大家所谓的活在当下, 人嘛, 开心就好.

回头想想, 你活在当下了, 如果下一分钟, 忽然神出现在你面前告诉你, 你即将在下一分钟就离开这世界... 第一件事出现你脑袋的会是什么呢? 怎么会这样? 为什么是我? 我还没活够! 我怎么死的? 会太痛吗? 我不要死...你有正真的活在当下吗? 会不会有些是你根本还没有解决的呢? 你有后悔自己其实在浪费时间? 你下一分钟就要离开世界了, 你不知道离开了这世界你将会去哪里, 是什么, 会遇见什么, 或到底还会有另外一个世界吗? 人真的会投胎? 然后, 当你在想着这些事, 你的一分钟已经过了, 你就这样离开了世界. 你, 真的活在了当下?

Live Your Life Like There's No Tomorrow? If tomorrow...if the next minute of yours seriously didn't arrive, what will you seriously do?

Curiosity on Assumption...

2010-11-12T14:33:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why people would love to assume things including me? Then I figured out few facts.

1) They wanted to know something that they don't have a chance to get the exact answer, so they can only assume, ex: I wanted to know something so desperately, but the person who knows the answer seems not willing to giving this chance to me, so I have no choice but to assume.

2) They are afraid to know the exact answer, so they will assume the final answer to somehow confort them, ex: I don't want to get rejected by people on something, so I make an assumption, assuming that it will ends up in the way I think it would be, and normally it will always be a negative situation that I will assume, so why try? So I assume.

3) There are times where you wanted to try out your luck so you assume, ex: There are no more parking space, I'm going to park on an illegal space which I assume that it will not be that lucky for me to have a summon at this time, so I assume.

Normally I assume when face situation No.1 and No.3, I hardly assume when I'm in situation No.2(No.2 will only occur when in some "special" situation and "special" someone eg family, relationship and friendship). By this, now you might see I'm a very impatient person. See, I always believe in this, if I never try I'll never know.

There were once I came across a very funny situation. I stayed over in my BF's place as usual, we park our car at the car park area which there always have those inconsiderate driver who simply park their cars and block the way, and that is the only way to get out from the car park. So my BF tried driving his car out yet he couldn't by seeing the gap of the left over space. He called me and ask me whether could he use my car for a day. Of course I wouldn't mind, who is he? My Love one leh!So I pass him my key and get to know the situation, checked out the place and asked again if he sure that he couldn't drive his car out? He said yes, by looking at the space, shouldn't be any chances for him to drive his car out. Without asking much, I pass my key to him and got myself back to dream land.

When I was awake, it's already lunch time, and thinking of having lunch. I took his car key out and I still saw the car parking over the same spot, I took a paper and wrote a few words to the car owner asking him please be more considerate the next time when s/he park the car. So what now? Around the place where my BF staying, there's only one mamak stall which looks horrible, and nothing else than that, if I don't drive out, I'll need to me starve until my BF came back from work. Without thinking too much, I started the engine and shut the both side mirror, drove slowly out from the "isle"... Yes! I pass through it successfully. Then I realize actually There were actually still lot more space for the car to go through.

Moral of the Story: We as human assume, though we know assumption is awlays the mother of F*** up, but we still do. Yet, please also bare in mind that, never try never know. Always stand in the middle when you do or think everything. If I didn't try that moment, I think I'm gonna starve myself until my BF back from his work. I receive this sms before which I love it so much and didn't actually delete it. I couldn't remember it but is something like this: Life is short, you will never know what will happen next. So live your life, when chances are here, just grab it! It'll No one said it'll be easy, but if you never move, you will stay on the ground forever. So, face it, take it, without regreting it! Cheers all! :)

Gym, Anyone?

2010-11-11T10:05:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was my offday. Normally the night before my off day, I'll stay in my BF's place, the next day will kiss him goodbye, send him off work, then will go home wait for him to come home, and have dinner together and then will be yum cha session or watch series session! But...this was all the past story, now what? cool down period wert... wuakakakaka!

So for not letting myself too free to think too much, yesterday I went to a hair saloon, get my messy hair straighten. It took me 4 hours to do so! I like a outcome! Now my hair looks great, the most important thing is---I LOOK YOUNGER NOW! weeee!!~~

I still remember I plan to join one of the fitness club with him so we could have some workout instead of like going to movie every week or watching series and waste our day. But because too many happened that make this of our plan couldn't work out to be fine, so until now we still haven't join any fitness club. Since now I'm like half single, he need his time to work out his own stuffs, don't know when can call me back, so I've decided to join a club! Yup, joined yesterday and yesterday itself I attended their gentle yoga class! It was fun! After all the yoga action, they will let you meditate for like 5 mins, because of the exercise, basically, your brain will be cleared by then. Haven't been that relax before ever since the cool down period started...

Then went out to the main floor, saw a boxing mat, consult with staff there, oh! They have trainers for boxing! So I told them I would like to learn boxing, as it's one of the thing that my BF would like to try too, :p I'll go for a try first!

Boxing seriously not like what you see from movies, is like so easy, you just punch punch and punch kick that's it with all your body strenght! OMG~~ You can't skip or jump when you box, and your left leg MUST always be infront! No matter you swing your left hand or right, your left leg must stay infront, and right leg will need to twist a bit when necessary! Then when you hit you have punch, hoop, and...Oh,forgot what's the hit name.. then kick also have different kind of posture. God! I started to loving it! Gonna go for it again, but this time have to make sure my finger nails short, so we could wear the proper box hand cover... :( abit sad because I'll need to cut my finger nails short... sob!

Gonna blog again when there's any interesting classes or anything...kekeke

Ciaoz!

随便写写----Part 1

2010-11-06T19:30:00.002+08:00

雯,是一个有着男孩子脾性的女孩. 从小身边陪着她一起长大, 一起玩的都是男孩子. 脾气暴躁, 不温柔, 不散解人意, 还会学男孩子般的打架, 玩闹. 她父母在她5岁的时候, 就分开住. 5岁应该就是他人生的第一个转泪点吧? 妈妈拉着她和妹妹从爸爸家走出来, 去到外公家; 虽然才5岁, 但这就好像她的烙印一样,牢牢的刻了在她脑袋里, 怎么抹都抹不去.在这段时间里妈妈告诉雯, 因为她是长女, 一定要好好读书, 帮忙照顾妹妹和家里, 要乖, 要坚强. 从那时开始, 她从来不会把学校发生的不愉快, 或任何的事告诉别人, 也不会有人得空听雯说心事, 就算是最疼爱的爷爷, 因为毕竟见面少了.

渐渐长大的雯, 就有点当哥哥的感觉. 家里有什么坏了, 小样的`能力所及的:如把断了一根脚木椅的钉好, 照着说明书把新买回来的厨弄好, 等等都有雯一个人做, 而且还蛮享受的! 虽然是女孩子, 但就是喜欢做这种活的女孩子. 直到爷爷在雯14岁那年去世后, 爸爸妈妈才从新再和好. 但那时候雯已经习惯性的独自一人, 除了学习怎么把自己当成男孩子外, 别的视乎都不大感兴趣; 看看漫画, 和一群一起长大的男孩子骑脚踏车, 打羽球, 逗野狗, 玩那时很流行的街头霸王电动感觉上就是那时候雯的最大乐趣.

雯就读的小学是男女同校的, 虽然她有着比较男孩子的性格, 但也不大会有人觉得不妥, 就有点当彼此是哥儿们一起闹, 一起玩. 直到上了初中, 妈妈因为担心男女同校不太妥当, 怕雯会学坏, 所以把她送到了一所偏远女校. 当时雯真的很不高兴, 所有的朋友都就读他们想要的学校, 和他们喜欢的朋友一起继续读书, 就只有她进到一所她完全不熟悉, 也没有半个朋友的学校里, 一切都要从新开始. 那是雯还对自己说: “没关系的, 只要我不得罪人, 过自己的生活, 就okay啦!”哈哈, 入学不到半年好不容易认识新的朋友, 以为还不错的时候, 新认识的朋友就开始对雯批评万分, 要她改这样, 学那样. 不是说她说话一点都不像女孩子, 就是说为什么动作那么男生呀? 雯的家人因为都是英文学校毕业的, 从小雯就有习惯说话时夹带着英文在里面, 万万没想到是, 这些朋友连这样都可以批评一番, 说雯很奇怪, 为什么一定要用英语? 是要炫耀自己的英文有多好吗? 她当时真的无从适应, 他无论是帮人, 还是宁愿什么都不做, 朋友还是一样批评. 雯觉得很辛苦, 偷偷地哭了好久, 好想念小学的时的日子, 她想要妈妈把自己送到一所有自己正真朋友的学校. 但因为知道妈妈还要工作, 这所学校是妈妈特地为她选的, 所以过后还是把这念头给打消了.

Joker me

2010-11-01T13:09:00.000+08:00

I have a story to share, someone asked me once, what do you seriously thinks about me? I refuse to answer as I know how it’ll ends up, because I know him well, not to say knowing it all, I would said I understand him like how he understand me, but this person insisted he wants to know, so before I tell, I ask him, what do you think about yourself before I told you? And, you seriously prepare to accept the cruel facts? His answer was yes, because he wants to become a better person like he told me before, and of course he explained to me, he thinks he is quite a mature person, and he thinks that he handle things well. I listen patiently what he told me. Then again I asked, you sure you are prepared? He replied yes. So I seriously thought this time he seriously wanted to know and need some helps from someone. You know, you will not ask a person that you don’t think he or she understands you well with this question, no? I tell him the true, how I think about him. He is mature in some ways, and good in handling problems sometimes, but it’s not all. So I gave him some examples along the explanations, what he did and how he reacted over things sometimes.
What I realize is the very next minute I saw his face turns black, and he’s like in a silent mode. I kept quiet for a while and I asked him, are you okay? You don’t look happy, was it because I offended you? He said no. So I continue to asked, does he gets what I mean and how I feel? Does he understand it? He pause for the while and replied yes, he understand my way of thinking, he knows it and he feels how I felt, but he don’t why I’ll think him this way. I nearly fainted at that very moment.
You know, when you are not ready to accept the fact on how people thinks about you, don’t ask, because your heart is closed, and sorry, no one is perfect in this world, how people thinks about you is how you react on things, no one will accuse you by building up stories to hurts you because they loves you, they want you to improve or know what is right or wrong, you might not fully accept what others opinion but you have to know there’s always a reason behind or else the statement will not make out this way.
Every time when I ask people, how do you think about me? I’ll always tell myself before hand, please throw away how I think about myself first, accept and listen to what people tells you second, believing them telling you this is to make you a better person third, and if you are unclear, try to ask more or you can explain a bit why you’ll react this way, yet make it clear that explanations doesn’t mean that to fight for yourself, just explain but still accepting what people say.
If a person that tells you, s/he knows her/himself very clear, no one will knows better than they do, sorry to say…, those are the people that don’t know themselves at all. They refuse what others say, because they don’t want to accept the ugly side of them. These group of people, when problem occurs, their only solution will be hiding in the hole, hide themselves from all the problem, and will never want to create a solution for themselves, because they thought they are already so perfect. In the end of the day, they will drown themselves and pull all their love ones down too. NO! I didn’t pull my love ones down, they might keep defending for themselves and the worst will be they will never think that they are wrong, yet will comes back to tell you they know what they’ve did wrong, thought that they know everything. They will explain their love ones drown is because of themselves, they can choose to live happily, not because of them at all. Haha! Yes, this is all what they will say, and makes the love ones even hurt and drown more. Why will the love ones care? Why will the love ones get hurts? Why will the love ones drown when they sees you drown? You seriously don’t know? Then let me tell you, because they care! Just because they love you so much and they feels so painful and hurts when they see you drown yet they can’t help because you refuse to let them into your heart! They open their heart to you, they trust you can, they know you will, but what you did? Letting them down is the only thing you do.
Yes, this is to let myself read, and remind myself every single minute, because I seriously don’t want to hurt my love ones! Thought I’m forgetful, yet at least I know, I admit, and accept!
Sorry to all the people that loves me, makes you feels worried is seriously the worse thing I’ve done to you. Give me some time, you know I can, because at least already know, just this time this shit makes me feels so painful and hurts, and I drown a bit too deep. My wound is wide open and it’s still bleeding non-stop like a river, but serious, I’m trying my best out of me.

Pessimistic Me

2010-10-28T16:02:00.000+08:00

I never had this weird feeling before. Have you ever tried this? You suppose to be so happy because of something, yet you dare not really let yourself to be so happy? I mean, something happened, it makes you feel so happy, so excited until your happy tears flows out (serious!), yet the very next moment, your subconscious mind automatically cut this happiness off.

I got this message yesterday, a message that I pray to get it for so long, so long that I’ve nearly not expecting it anymore. Then, yesterday was the day, 26/10/2010, @13:05, it was my lunch time, my phone vibrates once. My very first reaction was: which pub/ club again that send me advertisement message? Hates it! My phone was showing me “1 message unread”. I open it with frustration, cursing why does I registered to all these clubs/pubs previously. I pressed the show button and I saw a name, a name that has been missing from my inbox for so long. I got a shocked, I don’t know how to react to… to the message, stunt there for a while. Should I open it? I was wondering. I was so afraid; would it be good or a bad news? What if it’s a good one? Will I be jumping up and down? What if it’s a bad one, will I be crying my lungs out? I decided to closed it without reading it, at least wait until I’m prepared.

Walked back to my office, sit still, I just can’t focus on my work. Each calls that I pick up, every calls that I attended to was just so frustrating, I just can’t focus, I can’t move my sight from my phone, that was blinking, that kept telling me that I’ve something that I’d left out, unattended. Took in a deep breath, I pick my phone with all my guts; I could feels my heart beat faster than never before, I opened the message. (ah ah.. nope, you’ll never know what was written inside) I wouldn’t say that the message contain happy news, neither bad news, it’s was just a normal message, nothing special or shocking inside. But that very moment, I could felt that I was so happy, so glad. My tears nearly flows out, it was happy tears that I am referring to. You might thinks that I sound a bit over here, but serious, I nearly cry right down because I was so happy at that very moment. It is not because of the content of the message; neither is there’s something special and touching content inside that makes me happy. It was just because the sender’s name. A name that I hope and pray for every day and night, that it could somehow appear in my phone inbox, call record, email that is to me, even just for a single minute for so long and it happened yesterday!

Do you feel how I feel? Is just like you are looking forward to something that you know it’ll happen, say a dream of yours. At first, you see the whole picture, how beautiful it is, and you strive so hard just to get there. Later then, day by day past, you are like so far from this dream, day by day you strive so hard to get there yet it seems getting further each days. The harder you try, the further it goes. You started to feel so tired, you started to lose hope on it, and the only thing you see is the dream of yours is just too far, that you never will get there anymore. Then one fine day, out of nowhere, miracle happen, it pulls you to get nearer to your dream, you started to have a clearer view now. How happy will you be? From believing it, then started to lose hope on it, and suddenly it comes back to you a little nearer. How happy will you be?

Ironically, this happiness will not last long. At least to me, it doesn’t last very long. I dare not be too happy, I have to calm myself down; my subconscious mind told me. You know when you are over joyful over something, especially something that is still unsure, what happened is just showing some little positive sign, if it does not happened like how you wish to be In the end of the day, you will get hurt even more, even deeper that you might never able to get over it at all. Yes, I might be very pessimistic, but who wants to get hurt until that stage if there’s a choice? I know I can never take the pain as I have already felt it not only once but twice, and it was just so hurtful that I felt like killing myself. I dare not no more.
Waiting for updates every day; checking out updates in FB every day; feels sad when there’s update because you know you will never be part of the updates; feels down when there’s new photos but you will never be inside them; get to know the location but you know you could never appear there as what you will get will only be shouting and scolding or blaming. In your mind, is full of those memories; you recall everything every day, the shadow just running round and round your head; and you will never know whether did your shadow run even just a second in *, you can only guess without answer, yet the person who knows this answer is only *. Where ever you go, you will automatically bring along *, but will it be the same on the other side? No one knows the true answer except *. Yes again, I am pessimistic, pessimistic because I’m just an ordinary girl, that afraid of getting hurt. Yes…is just that… My dream is just to live my life as ordinary as it is, but a supergirl to *.

Another Rant Post

2010-10-26T14:26:00.000+08:00

I wonder what kind of feeling I am having now, being in this cool down period, it has been nearly two months. From emotionally broke down, try to do billions of stupid stuffs to save our relationship, until now. I’ve made everyone worried about me, my family, friends and colleagues.
From a chubby me, until I’m now like a skeleton; from half a pack a day of ciggie until now 1 and half pack a day, I’ve lose all my appetite even to the food I love the most, I asked myself, over and over again, am I doing any good to myself? Am I doing any good to this relationship or to him or even to everyone that cares for me so much? I couldn’t get any answer out of my brain, I know whatever that I’ve been doing throughout this cool down period are stupid enough to kill him or myself. I don’t know why but I just couldn’t help it. Every single day, every single minute, every second, he appears in my mind, non- stop running throughout my mind, just non-stop. I felt tired for him, and I felt tired for myself. Have you ever had this feeling? You hope to be beside someone to give support to, to take care of, but yet you known you will never stand a chance to do so, you are not given a chance, not even a single chance, and this person is the one you love so much, so deeply.
How am I feeling now? I believe no one could know better than he does, you may ask why. I remember once I called to explain on the reason why I will change the status. I remembered it very clearly how he put his words in as it’s hurts me so much, so deep. No one wanted this to happened, especially me as I know how important his mom is to him; if given a chance to meet God, I would grant for a wish, that his mom and dad will live happily forever after, I would grant with 10 years of my life that they will live happily with no pain and sickness. This is how important his mom to him and this is how important he is to me. How am I feeling now? Same answer given above, no one could know better than he does, his mom leave to God’s hand, he couldn’t see her anymore, he is depressed and down, pain and he miss her so much, she keeps appearing in his mind every day, every minute and on top of that he is worried of his dad that he couldn’t be beside every day to give support, to protect him. Me being a girlfriend, knowing that he’s still there, still living good, but ironically I couldn’t see him too, is just like he’s forever gone, no updates from him, couldn’t get to see him, can’t be beside him to support and protect him, take care of him, is just like he couldn’t be beside his father and he will not get any updates from his mom. So, beside him, who else would know better how am I feeling now?
I know he’s messed up with his mind, he don’t know how to face me and things that happened, he still have too much that he needed to settle, before he could meet me up for an answer. I was so afraid right at the beginning until now. What kind of answer? Not saying that I don’t believe in him, but who will not be afraid? You might lose someone that you care so much, you love so much. The answer remains unknown, to me, or even to him. How am I not worrying over it? I believe he knows about it too.
I could still remember that night clearly, everything seems so fine, dinner, movie chit chatting… why will I have this feel that this will become my memories after these?
I still remember I asked him, could you promise me that this cool down period will not lead to a break up; it’s just a purely cool down period? He said yes, this will never be a break up, is just a cool down period for him to rearrange all the things that happened during these days as he couldn’t swallow everything at one time. I kept all this in mind as I was so afraid, so afraid of losing him by giving him this cool down period, even until now.
I still remember clearly the called that he made that night, he apologized and promised that this will be purely a cool down period, but he’s sorry that he couldn’t give a timeline for it, he just can’t do that, he knows he’s being too selfish leaving me all alone here with my life, he continued saying that I could still call and text him as and when I needed, he’ll update me with what ever happened, try to reply my text and answer my call. I felt a bit relief as I know he’s a person that kept his promises, but it’s just way too different now from what he promised and said. But promises turns blur day by day. Yes, I’m worried, I trust him yet I have doubts on action that he made. It makes everything become more blur each day.
I flipped through all our photos, photos that we took as and when we were together, I realize something special. I don’t like to take photos as it makes me like a nut seeing myself in the square box, captured, and they are always so freaking ugly. Surprisingly, now only I realize photos that we took seriously a lot, from the day we met until today. Compare to my passed relationship, photos that I took with him, or photos that I allow him took is the most.
So, you might ask, what will I do next? Typing all these just letting out my emotional? Yes, besides waiting, the answer is still waiting, how long? No one knows, even himself. What if he doesn’t come back? I don’t know, because until now, I still believe. Why? Because until now I still believe his promise. He said he’ll never break his promise, and I choose to believe. What if he already has someone now and just wanted a time to let you let go of him? I don’t know, but this very moment I know I still love him.
Yes, typing all this out is just to relief my emotions, just another rant of me. I’ve been disturbing all my buddies all these time, from concern, to worried, to numb, and to bore. I have to stand up by myself, and I know this very clearly, no one could help me beside myself. I don’t want to make everyone that cares for me to worry me anymore. More over I’ve promise my grandfather and myself that I’ll live each day happily. It’s always okay to fall down, be hurt, to have failure, or even to lose someone which is so important in life. The most important thing is to give myself a timeline to be sad, to truly feel hurt, to cry, to wake up, to be strong again, and to stand up again. This is part of the life that everyone will need to face; life and death; gain and lose; success and failure. The most important thing is after all this, what we learned? What is the outcome? Some choose to forever letting themselves fall, some choose to be depressed and refuse to stand up, and I believe strongly they know this is not the way. I choose to stand up, yes it takes time, but at least I’ve started to open myself, face the problem, accepting it, try my very best to solve it and whether will it be good or bad, let go of it. Stuck in the same problem doesn’t help at all.

生死 (爷爷对我的一番话)

2010-10-22T16:21:00.001+08:00

最近有位同事的妈妈去世了. 这位同事是台湾人, 因为在马来西亚读书,认识了他的老婆, 落地生根, 在马结了婚生了子. 那天, 还记得我休假完第一天上班, 有位同事问我, 你知道这位同事的妈妈去世了吗? 还很突然, 没病没痛, 就这样走了… 我呆了一下, 问清楚情况后觉得有点悲伤.同事告诉我说, 这位同事的妈妈是在旅程中去世的, 是在她最想去的南京, 最后一天的旅程, 在梦中过世. 走的时候很安详.

我一直在想: 树欲静而风不止, 子欲养而亲不在. 那种感觉真的会很难受, 很痛苦吧. 这位同事一直都呆在大马. 我记得他曾经告诉过我, 每年新年, 或请到长假时都会回去台湾探望父母. 这次他妈妈走的时候是在中国, 而且事发突然, 儿媳全部都没能在她身边, 没有一个人有机会见到妈妈最后一面. 我想身为子女的, 一定很难过, 很遗憾.

忽然让我想起爷爷去世的前一年和我所说的事. 还记得我当年13岁, 还就读者初中一. 爷爷是负责接送我上学的人. 我还记得我很喜欢和爷爷谈天说地, 他喜欢解释一些人生大道理让我明白, 他喜欢 “想当初”, 他的最爱就是让我们知道做人处事的道理. 当时还不懂事, 并不太明白这些道理, 但就是喜欢当故事一样听着, 似懂又非懂里面正真的意思. 有一天像往常的载我到爸爸的公司等上学, 把午饭递给我后, 又开始和我谈天说地. 但那天谈的话题有点凝重. 虽然是个这么多年, 有点模糊, 但还是隐约记得:

爷爷说: “爷爷老啦, 如果有一天去到西方极乐, 你们要为我开心, 知道吗? 不能哭, 要替我好好照顾奶奶. 照顾奶奶之余, 也要相信自己, 尽力的实现自己的梦想, 因为我们两老都希望你们能活出自己的一片天空.”
我听了后愣住了…

看着爷爷的我说: “爷爷长命百岁, 别乱乱说话啦! 你还有很长的路要走, 很多地方要去, 我还需要你载我上学, 要你讲那些 “想当初” 的事情给我听… 你的炖蛋, 还有常常偷偷炒的姜葱牛肉…”

爷爷切断了我的话说: “人总归要走的, 只是迟还是早的事儿. 爷爷活了这么久, 算赚到啦, 要吃的吃了, 要做的也做了. 只是有点遗憾没去成瑞斯滑雪, 也有点担心你奶奶和你爸爸. 明年年尾吧, 要你姑姑赞助我和你奶奶到瑞斯滑雪.”

他笑着. 反而我心里很凝重, 13岁的我, 从来没有想过有一天爷爷会离开我, 鼻子有点酸酸的.

他看了看我, 又说: “人, 生下来, 就注定要离开. 我一样, 你一样, 每个人都会有这么一天. 眨眼你也这么大了, 还有什么盼望呢? 你懂吗? 老一辈的, 就像我们, 最想看到的就是我们下一代能幸福, 健康. 有钱无钱并不重要, 只要活在当下, 够吃够穿, 那已足够. 两脚一伸, 过后发生的事没有人能知道, 但能肯定的是, 我们两脚一伸后, 都希望下一代能好好的过着每一天, 努力地生活着. 你知道吗? 我们要的并不是什么山珍海味, 也不是要你们常常留在自己的身边, 我们要的是看见你有一个美好的未来, 实现自己的梦想与愿望, 和我们分享你的成功. 就算我走了, 我还是想你们做到这一些…”

没记错, 那时的我眼睛已有点湿湿的, 我再问: “那如果我们想念你, 那么怎么办? 想念你煮的菜那怎么办?”

爷爷笑笑回答: “那也没有办法的呀. 如果爷爷真的走后, 你想念爷爷时, 就要记得现在爷爷想对你所说的. 想念我时不要难过, 要笑. 爷爷最后的愿望一定是每个人都过得开开心心,幸福, 平安. 而且你懂吗? 我听先人说过, 如果你越是想念一个去世人, 越是放不下, 一直想念着他, 那么去世的人是不能往生的, 他们会陪着你一起痛苦, 一起伤心, 因为他们虽然走了, 还是会感觉得到的. 他们会因为担心而放弃往生的机会. ”

爷爷继续说: “ 你知道吗? 很多人, 当他们怀念过去的时候, 尤其是伤心的事时, 都会带着难过, 不舍的心情. 我来告诉你, 真正怀念一个人或一些事时, 应该带着微笑. 人会离开你的, 事会结束的, 只有回忆才是会永远属于你的. 爷爷以后如果走了, 人虽然不在世上, 但不要忘记, 爷爷会永远活在你的心里呀. 那不是更好吗? 我英俊潇洒的Look你永远都不会忘记, 而且也不会再变老. 哈哈…”

我很疑惑, 哪有可能不难过呀, 我从来没想过爷爷会离开的… 但也不想再问下去了, 因为对我而言, 只能回忆一个人, 又见不到, 那该怎么办?
半年过去, 爷爷到最后还是没来得及去瑞斯, 因为大血管爆裂, 坚持了大约一个星期就离开了. 还记得看着医护人员把氧气拔掉的那刻, 真的很无奈, 不知所措, 很想奇迹会发生, 爷爷会忽然跳起来说: “我演得逼真吧? 傻瓜, 全都被我骗过去了!” . 看着爷爷眼睛紧紧闭上时, 剩下的就只有失望, 原来奇迹没发生, 原来我真的失去了爷爷, 很想大哭. 但在之前爸爸已经说过了, 我们不能哭, 奶奶还在, 最伤心的就是她, 我们不能哭因为我们还要照顾奶奶的感受, 所以一定不能哭. 大家都只敢抽泣着, 只敢静静地流着眼泪, 送别爷爷. 情绪失控的一天, 大概就只有爷爷火化当天, 因为真的, 以后… 以后都没有办法再见到爷爷了.

那段时间, 住在爷爷的屋子里, 看见每一样东西都会想起爷爷; 心里真的很难受, 但能怎样呢? 我知道没有人能哭, 因为奶奶已经每天以泪洗脸, 我们能做的, 就是让他好好地去面对这事实, 让他好好的去怀念和爷爷一起的时间, 自己难过的话, 也只能心里难过. 也要知道, 那时候并不只有我难过, 所有的人都很舍不得, 但每个人都很坚强的面对着每一天.

过了一阵子, 我也忘了自己从哪里看来的, 有这么一篇文章. 里面写的内容, 大致的意思是这样的:
生老病死, 是一个阶段, 是每个人都要经历的. 当一个人往生了, 或一件快乐或难过的事过去了, 最后留下的就只有回忆. 人活在当下, 要珍惜每一分每一秒, 因为它们都会成为过去. 你有一天也会成为人家的过去, 无论是朋友或亲人. 如果有一天, 真的轮到你时, 你会怎么想呢? 你会要你的朋友, 家人全因为你自己而伤心难过, 带着永远失去你的痛苦过每一天, 荒废事业, 前途去执着一个 “为什么” 的问题; 还是要脸带微笑来怀念你们一起度过的分分秒秒, 继续努力的生活, 把你的份儿也一起努力, 闯出一片天空, 珍惜还在身边的人, 努力追逐梦想, 把成功的喜悦带给身边的人呢?

在那时, 我终于明白爷爷所要告诉我的是什么. 他要的只不过是我们好好的活着, 珍惜身边的人, 实现我们想要实现的梦, 为他好好的继续活下去, 这就是他最后想要看见的. 就算他走后, 他也想我们能为他活得更精彩, 带着我们的梦想继续前进, 起飞, 因为我们的梦想, 已经成为他的梦想了.
爷爷, 我依然很想念你. 但, 我选择了脸带微笑的来想念你. 因为, 我知道你看得到, 你感觉得到. 当我开心的时候, 我知道你脸上也会为我挂上一幅最完美的笑容.

Fucking Stupid me! Because Im an IDIOT!

2010-10-01T10:34:00.000+08:00

Sombody told me once, being with a person is to fit him/herself into each others life, try to understand and feels the person. Two different individual when they get together, there should be arguements, because they comes from different family background and have different thinking. But you just need to tolerate, understand(truely), and feels(deeply). He believe that things will gets better each days. He told me that as long as we work hard together, we'll see our future. This takes both hands to clap. He wants to be a better him, he wants to be a more understanding person, he wants me to tell him when he did things wrong, he'll analyse and change, he believe as long as we discuss and strive together, the future is near. HE WANTS TO BE THE FUCKING WORLD, yet he DON'T accept what others comments and thinks that HE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD ALREADY!

Me being fucking understanding, me being fucking tolerate, but me getting blame reason I DON'T Feels HIM?!?! Everyone individual face problems every fucking day, he has his life and death problem and fucking messed up works to face, me have my fuck up life to face, with grandma now, can't stand, can't walk, can't talk properly, dare not fucking even tell him all these, yet being quiet, being understanding because knowing that he is fucking messed up, fucking fucked up, and I got BLAME cause by this? Telling all beautiful lies at the start and ends up with fucking reason. Everyone messed up everyday, fucked up life MOVE ON! HELLO WAKES UP PLEASE!

This is just all lies. When you can't do it, TELL the FUCK OUT! Is just another idiot that SHOUT TOO LOUD AT 1ST AND ENDS ALL WITH SHITS!

我依然相信

2010-09-22T05:52:00.000+08:00

大半个月已过,从容许你拥有你所想要的冷静期,到现在已过了大半个月.你说这不会是分手,你只需要时间去解决你所解决不了的事. 从一开始你所说的还是依然可以发短信给你,还是可以致电给你,你是会接的,你的空的话是会回我信息的,已经过了大半个月.从你还会回冷冷的短信,还是会接短短的电话,到你完全的消失已是大半个月了.

对你而言,查看男女朋友的邮箱是很幼稚的事.嗯,我知道也明白了这道理.我不得不承认,这段时间我是有查你的邮箱的,因为这是我唯一一个方式稍微知道你一点的动向,稍微让自己还知道我们还是在一起的.但,你已经把密码改了,我再也不知道你的动向,不知道任何的一切.我知道这样做是错的,我应该要改的,但在这种情况下我真的想知道多一点点关于你的事,但现在...
我的心还是会隐隐作痛.

那天,好想见你,驾了车到你家,车子不在,估计你还留在公司.到你公司楼下,小心翼翼深怕你发觉会不高兴,偷偷的左望右望看你的方向在哪.远远地发现了你的踪影,远远地发了一封短信给你说真的很开心见到你.看见你把手机拿出读了一下,把手机收起,
心口隐隐在作痛.

昨天是中秋节,知道一个人在吉隆坡,抱病的妈妈在槟城老家,你应该很难过,更想念家乡,家人.虽然我并不懂如何让你心情好过一点.知道你可能在这么乱的时候没时间也没心情买月饼吃.把月饼包好,至少你能在想家的时候,吃着月饼想念着家人.驾车到你家楼下,不敢让你发现也不想让你察觉,因为深怕你会很困扰.到你家楼下,看见你车子不在,应该还在忙吧,驾着车子想到你公司看会不会也有运气能见到你,就算远远地也好.原来你没在公司吧.回到你家楼下,抽着烟等着等着,时间慢慢的过.9点,10点,11点,12点,依然没有你回来的踪迹.天太黑,太安静了,害怕了,把月饼交到你朋友的手中,好让你在这中秋节能尝到月饼.知道你想念家乡,和家人陪伴着,喝着茶,享受着月饼的时候.
见不到你,心依然隐隐作痛.

人,真的好想要失去了才懂得珍惜.我想起你以前常说,你不是会食言得人,你要知道自己做到才会敢答应.有时候是因为很多外来的因素所以被逼延迟,但你要我明白你对我的承诺你会一一的实现,可能不会是现在,但请给你一点时间.但我一直埋怨你常常都食言,对我说的每一句是真的,我想对你说对不起,是我错了,我应该相信你的.但已不知道你愿意接受我的道歉或不,因为我已经没有你的消息了,也不知道你是否会看到这写给你的post.
心还是隐隐作痛.

人,总要做错了,受到惩罚了才会道歉.回想起以前我长发的脾气,常抱怨你所做的,我很后悔.但好像也是有点太迟了吧?因为你一不会再回应我的一切了.
心隐隐做痛.

你说你天使和恶魔的故事,现在你的恶魔太强大了,你不懂如何去打败他,你让我给你一段时间.现在的我,也面对着他们.和你一样,恶魔很强.我徘徊在等与否之间.我不想失去你,我对你做过的一切,你对我的好,我们的回忆.但终日发的短信得不到任何回音,无论拨多少遍的电话到最后都被遗弃到电讯服务的回应里,我心里的恶魔就越强大,他告诉我,这段冷静期其实是一段让我忘却一切的时限,也是让你忘却我们一切的时限,不要再等,因为我会被伤害的更严重.但我还是听得见我小天使的话的,他告诉我没有这回事,你真需要时间冷静一会儿,你真的不得空去饭我们的事情.他告诉我,你会回来找我的,你不会食言的,这并不会是我们的结束.因为小天使的力量实在有限,我静下了心,把kelvin找出来的,他说他认识你这么久,他相信你不会是食言的人,他要我再给你一点时间,你并不会因为这些事而离开你的.我再找阿莱谈天,他要我努力,他说你还是喜欢着我的,我们会okay的.再而回想起对我的所说的,你的承诺you meant it,只要我在给你多一点时间,等多一会儿,你会把它实现的.小天使终于强大了一点,让我有勇气再等.

虽然有时候,我真的觉得很疲累了.我不能正常饮食,烟变成了陪伴我每一分每一秒的同伴,酒是我常常都需要见的朋友,但食物和水就视我为敌人一样远远地抛开了我.再加上我强大的恶魔,一直在我脑海里不停地问我,为什么还要继续等?不会有结果的.我真的很累,我曾经被他给打败过.但我还是会静下心,回想起Kelvin和阿莱对我所说的一切,天使的力量又会回来了.

我依然相信这一切的.我到现在还是相信着你.因为你在我心里的地位是真的很大很大,很强很强.因为我真的喜欢你,所以我坚持着,我相信着.

你感受得到吗?我想你现在什么都不想感受...没关系...我是明白的.爱你...

有两万个人适合当你的人生伴侣

2010-09-17T05:26:00.001+08:00

萧伯纳说：
此时此刻在地球上，约有两万个人适合当你的人生伴侣，
就看你先遇到哪一个，如果在第二个理想伴侣出现之前，
你已经跟前一个人发展出相知相惜、互相信赖的深层关系，
那后者就会变成你的好朋友；　
但是若你跟前一个人没有培养出深层关系，感情就容易动摇、变心，
直到你与这些理想伴侣候选人的其中一位拥有稳固的深情，才是幸福的开始，漂泊的结束。

爱上一个人不需要靠努力，只需要靠「际遇」，是上天的安排；
但是「持续地爱一个人」就要靠「努力」，
在爱情的经营中，顺畅运转的要素就是沟通、体谅、包容与自制(面临诱惑有所自制)。
有许多人总是为「际遇」所迷惑与苦恼，意念不停、欲念不断、争逐不散，
而忘了培养经营感情的能力才是幸福的关键。

所以不要去追问到底谁才是我的Mr. Right，
而是要问说在眼前的伴侣关系中，我能努力到什么程度、成长到什么程度，
若没有培养出经营幸福的能力，就算真的Mr.Right出现在你身边，幸福依然会错过的，
而活在犹疑与遗憾当中，这不就是许多「爱情虚无症」的遭遇与心态吗？

若你此刻已有一位长久相伴的伴侣，不要再随便三心二意地犹疑了，
我们往往不易察觉感情中的一个陷阱，就是「近亲生慢侮」，
也就是经济学中的铁律「边际效益递减法则」，
跟你在一起越久的人，就越容易麻木与忽视，
而新鲜的「际遇」总是那么动人可爱。

在感情对待中，难免有摩擦与无心的伤害，
而且论得罪自己的次数累加起来最多的人，
当然是跟我们在一起最久、最亲近的人；
而新欢呢，又还没开始有得罪你的机会，
再加上他的刻意讨好，
所以新欢怎么看怎么可爱，
旧爱怎么看怎么讨厌。
但别忘了，新欢身上总是有不确定的未知数，
旧爱身上就是有难得的熟悉感、确定感、信赖感。

千万不要随便在偶然的「际遇」中迷失了自己，错放了幸福温暖的手。

所以萧伯纳的话，
是要提醒情人不要太钻牛角尖于寻觅那唯一，
应该把精神用在学会经营幸福的能力上，
同时也提醒我们「弱水三千只取一瓢饮」，
若有幸遇到了难得的伴侣，就不要再三心二意了，
因为我们永远不知道一生何时会遇到两万个人其中的几个，所以要知福惜福、活在当下。

以上是之前看到的文章，希望可以好好想想。

对与错

2010-09-15T10:12:00.000+08:00

这事,我好像以前有写过.最近看见有个人在他的面子书上写了一些关于对与错的事. 看了后, 我发觉原来现在还是有人会思考到这问题.
他是这么写的: 世界上没一个人会想要犯错。但如果你不行动，那你又怎么知道那是对或错呢？谁能判断你是对或错？当他人判断你的对错是，他的判断是否是对的判断，或是错的判断？
生命中充满着是非矛盾，要真正了解看透是非真假真的一点都不容易，几乎是不可能发生的事。
我同意这说法, 你如果不错, 你是不会知道什么是对的. 那谁能判断你的错是错? 有多错? 谁又能判断你的对是对? 又有多对呢? 生命是充满矛盾. 矛盾在于, 你做了很多原本你觉得对的事 (与此同时你也以为别人会这么认为的), 但到最后原来你所做的一切, 在某些人的眼里是错的, 你很矛盾. 这时问题就会在你脑海里不停地旋转: “我想做对的事, 我想让别人也认同我是对的, 我哪里错啦?” 这是每个人都会有的概念. 有谁要做坏人呀? 然后徐而来之的, 就只好问别人 “我哪里错了? 我哪里要改?” 问了好几个朋友后, 发觉每个人的意见和答案都不相同. 又或者, 他们给你的答案是相同的, 但又有谁能告诉你他们是对的呢? 这时普片的两种做法是: 1)如果你想诚心改过的话,当然就照着他们说的做, 想要改过自新, 然而发觉到最后还是有很多的人说你做错了, 你不对. 2) 你执迷不悟, 觉得为什么他们所说的就一定是对? 而我就不对呢? 我明白, 但不是说他们也有可能是错的吗? 我觉得我所做的是对的呀… 然后就开始迷惘, 把问题想得更深入, 更加的不明白.

等!等!等!!

以上的种种, 你有发觉到一件事吗? 我们都好像把所有的专注放在对与错这话题里, 不是对, 就是错. 上面不是说了吗? [真正了解看透是非真假, 是几乎不可能的事]. 那能不能把角度换换? 别再执着于对或错?
曾经有个人告诉我, 我要对! 我不能做错, 我很怕后悔… 当时我真的很想问他,但我不知道用言语是否能让他明白到我想要表达的事.
你不错, 你怎么知道你是对的. 但有谁能真的能判断一个人的是与非? 有人会说: “法官呀, 不然他怎么判人家牢罚呢?” 对, 一个人如果杀了人, 或犯了法, 法官是要根据他们所做的一切去判断怎么惩罚他. 他需要做很多的反思. 这人在这个时间, 这种心态犯了法, 他是犯法了. 但该怎么惩罚? 事发时, 是不是他一时冲动? 他故意的? 为什么? 他无从选择? 不小心? 法是犯了, 得到应有的惩罚誓是应该的, 但是轻是重呢? 这能解释吗? 但这些都是因为社会是有法律的, 法律是要来让社会变得比较安全.
但在生活上, 并不会有一套法律来规定是与非. 如果勉强说有的话, 那么就是你有你觉得对的法则,我也有我自己的法则. 当你没有依照别人的法则去做事, 你所做的事对那人就是错的, 但在你法则里是对的. 说的讽刺点的, 人永远都是错的.
既然人永远都活在错误中, 为什么不能用别的角度去看一件事呢? 在这世上哪有十全十美的人, 事,物? 当人家说你的对的时候, 鞠躬, 感谢. 当人家说你是错的时候, 检讨一点, 无风不起浪, 事出必有因. 但也别太责怪自己, 因为真的有些事情不能分清谁对谁错的. 对我而言, 对了固然是好, 错了, 只要勇敢的接受`道歉, 真心改过那就很好.
是与非`对与错并不是那么重要, 做人真的不要太执着于这, 那只会让自己更辛苦. 人总会犯错, 错了但自己知道后, 道歉后在再改过. 最终得到原谅, 那就是最大的幸福.
我曾经错过了很多次, 多得连我自己也数不清有多少. 我在这里真心的想要对所有被我伤害过的人道歉.
对不起, 真的很对不起, 我不是有心要伤害你的, 希望你能原谅我所做的一切.

The Greatest Man in My Life- Beloved Ye Ye

2008-10-07T23:01:00.000+08:00

Have you ever tried eating the whole sugarcane (mind you it’s with skin- which means you need to bite the skin off and chew the flash) all by your mouth instead of drinking the ready squeezed sugarcane water? Have you ever travel 2 hours or more to a place just to strive for tasty food and head back to where you staying? And yes! I have tried all that, and it’s thought by my grandpa!

Drop by to aunty May Cy’s blog accidently today, and found out that she wrote a post about her beloved Ah Pak, my beloved grandpa (Ye Ye- In Cantonese), it touches my heart to the deepest. Whether or not by fate or by coincident, today is the date which my grandpa passed away 10 years ago (in Chinese calendar), she wrote this blog on September 14^th and it bumps into me only today, this touches me even deeper.

In my memories, he is a strong, brave and optimistic person (or I shall say for the whole family). He fears of no thing. Whatever happens, no matter how bad the situations he would be able to come out with a solution and solve it one by one, and this makes him my hero, my ironman. This recall how he helped me through all my primary art projects such as lantern making, Chinese calligraphy writing (this definitely make me crack my head as I have a very bad hand writing) and etc. ( all these sound so small but it’s big for me-my homework man!).

Every Sunday, never missed (only if I’m sick!) I will go to the market with him and grandma. When grandma was busy doing her shopping for groceries, I’ll be busy persuading him to buy me gold fish! (Haha!!) I’ll got screwed by him as I will be the one who choose the gold fish and he will be the one who needs to take care of them for the rest of their life! Weeeee! But…I was always the winner, kekeke! Never mind, he was very good in taking care of fish, they normally turns into fat` healthy fishes under his good care. My grandpa liked to plant flowers as well, and he’s an expert on this! He could easily turn a dying plant back to life; sometimes these plants would grow even more beautiful than before! Basically, my grandpa was good in almost everything, literally, I have not come across anything that he don’t know, from cooking, sewing, planting, taking care of animals, he knows almost everything, except music (Piano!), and this is why he always feel proud because me and my sister know how to play the piano. (Not saying that we both play very well ya…) Yeah, besides playing music instruments, he is good in almost everything; he is a very smart man! (A perfect man instead!) I always believe that if he has had a chance to learn music, he would become more professional than us as well!

Just like what aunty May Cy mention in her post, my ye ye was an excellent cook, whatever raw material goes into his hand, it will turns into irresistible dishes- finger licking good! His sweet steamed egg is always my favorite among all cooking of his; I can never find it in anywhere else until now. How good would it be if I have a chance to taste it again?

He is always a thoughtful man, out of 10 stories that he told me (normally would be those that happened in his passed-the true stories), almost all contained a deep thought behind, even jokes. He has been suffered a lot when he was young, but I heard not even one complaint or grumble as he treated them as a learning field for him. I still remember he always teach me to have gratitude, be thankful for everything; always remember to help as many people as I could and be kind to everyone whether or not the person will appreciate my help or not, or even to the extant they might betray me in the end; and always appreciate people who lend me a helping hand, repay them when there is a chance. This is why he names me Hui-惠 (meaning to be thankful and to be kind in Chinese).

For him, family is the most important thing than anything else; his family values were so strong. He does not allow any of the family members to skip any of the festive dinner, especially Chinese New Year Eve’s dinner. All must be home for dinner; there is no any excuse for this, except for the daughter who’s married and need to go back to have dinner with the husband’s family; but they will have to be back home for dinner on the second day of Chinese New Year as well.

He does not allow any fighting or arguing within the family members, or else, even you are in your 30’s, he will screw you upside down for this. He always believe that nothing couldn’t be solve, there is no need of fighting or arguing, sit down and have a blunt talk to sort out problems and settle it on the spot, not bringing it any further. If really couldn’t sort out anything, he will use his greatest weapon- his principle to sort it out. After all, he has been living in this world for 70 years and things that he went through definitely way more than his sons or daughters or even is brothers. And yes, this is exactly who my ye ye is. Everyone, even outsiders respect him. If I were to write everything out about my ye ye, I bet it will turns into a very thick book!

I miss the time when we have fun together, telling jokes to make each others laugh; the time when we have dinner together as a whole, together with every single family members and ye ye, enjoying the every single meaningful festive season.

Ever since ye ye passed away, lots of things have changed. Without the strongest man in my family, festive season only another normal holiday for me to rest after working for months, as the chances of having the whole family to sit down and have a proper meal decrease every year; no more jokes for us to laugh; even topics that we could share become so little. I feel very sad, sad for my family; sad for ye ye. His dream of his whole life is to see us living happily, helping each others, live in a “real” family. I remember very clearly, ye ye passed away in the house, after doctor examination and told us to bring him back so that he could leave this world in his own house (this is always what my ye ye wanted to-his last wish). We were all beside him except for one of my uncle, for some reason he was late. My ye ye was in a coma (or unconscious, I couldn’t remember clearly) but he waited. He only took in his last breath after hearing my uncle called him, and he left us peacefully.

Ye ye, I am sorry… I know I couldn’t do much to hold the family back together just like last time as what you always wish, as I am alone, my power is just so small, I am helpless, but i promise I will try my best, for you, your dream, my family, and myself.

Halloween~~~~ ARH!!!

2008-09-25T00:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I met up with one of my newly known friend-Kenneth for dinner and movie. He bought the movie ticket " Halloween" , actually I did not blame on him as when he first asked me is there any movie come across my mind that I wanted to watch and I my answer is “anything” (as usual, Don't blame me please, I am kinda out dated on all movies that are showing now la, duh!), and there goes …I nearly fainted during the movie. Damn freaking HORROR.

The opening was already like bad words and so on (no sensor, man!)I was like: Huh? What movie is this? After 30mins, what I could recall was watching a 10 years old boy killing his schoolmate, father, sister and the boyfriend, cruelly; blood everywhere, and I was like “WTF?!?!”.

Until now I can still feel my goose bumps when I recall the entire killing screen! This was the first time I went into a cinema, without finishing the whole movie and left with FEAR… (Ya, I did not finish the whole movie. Shitto!)

I swear to GOD, I’ll never ever answer “anything” anymore for movies, this really my punishment man! ARH!!!!!!

THE WORST IS- THERE ISN’T ANY STORYLINE BEHIND!!! ONLY PURE KILLING FOR THE SAKE OF FUN?!?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_u8blffLgtc

...Ok, after I read the comment in youtube, it looks like there is a story line, but so happen, NO!! NO matter how GREAT is this movie, I WILL NEVER WANTED TO WATCH IT ANYMORE!!! NO!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE PUKING!!!

I am NOT going to spend my $$ just to Freak myself out!! ARH!!!!!

Frustration In Life

2008-09-11T00:43:00.000+08:00

Stress, stress and STRESS is the only word that I could explain my life now. No matter where am I, care not what am I doing, the same old questions just keep on rolling non stop in my mind.

Leave?Stay?Hold on?Let go?

Things are totally out of my control, I suddenly felt that I am so helpless, my future is unseen, I am so lost, living in the LOST WORLD; where am I heading to? What will I be? What is right and what is wrong? If there are only two feelings in our life for real, which is the LOVE and FEAR, I can now clearly tell you that I am definately living my life with full of FEAR. I FEAR TO MOVE ON, literally; I DO NOT KNOW how to move on. Every single move seems to be so hard. The more I strive for my success, the more I fail to. It is just like, you thought you have moved one step forward, but somehow you found out that you are actually moving two steps backwards.

It makes me feel more frustrated when seeing others have a very clear mind where should they go; what are the future plannings; everything seems to be so smooth for them... (Duh, I know clearly that I am wrong when I thinks it that way, every success comes with lots of hard works and so fort, having said that my mind is out of my control)

It seems like goes with the flow will makes me DIE faster...
It seems like ...
I don't know...
I don't even know what should type here...

I just don't know...

Victor-A Person That I Could Not Forget

2008-08-07T23:53:00.000+08:00

"Hey girl, the zip on your beg is open, be careful..."

9 years back,14 years old me, on a Saturday morning, 7.30am, waiting for the bus at Old Town bus stop to attend a band training...and this was the first sentence of the day...that shocked me ( I'm basically half asleep while waiting for the stupid bus to arrive.)

Our conversation started off just like that, he was waiting for his friend to pick him up to somewhere and saw my beg was opened, and decided to let me know the danger in it, Petaling Jaya Old town, a place that fills with thief and robbers (at those days, I am not too sure about now...). Had a short conversation with him, got to know him by the name of Victor, 20 years old, just graduated and would like to be my friend. So I should admit that 14 years old me, stupid me... we exchange phone number (yup, phone number, and I gave him my real number *sweat* but he as well gave his number to me...too). Left the bus stop without thinking that much as I was still half asleep.

2 weeks later, somehow I had totally forgot about him and did not even think that he will really call me up, basically I just know that his name --> Victor, 21 years old, nothing more than that. So happened he called up and would like to have a drink with me during the weekend. Stupid me again, I attended, without knowing how dangerous the world would be, Muahaha! But no regrets, we had a nice day meeting up, chit chatting whole day, and it was my first experience having coffee in Starbucks! Of cause, he paid for the bills! Ha!

Through conversation, I found out that his is an interesting guy, with loads of dreams and passion. Compare to me that time; I felt that I was so damn small. Knowing that my dreams will never come true (too many obstacles that hold me back), seeing him with his fantastic dreams, attracted me a lot.

In total, we’d meet each others 4 times, every once a month. On the 4^th month when he called, his voice changed to an abnormal him. I can still remember very clearly as the sadness of the voice, from him was so clear. He asked me out again, I agreed and attended that weekend. It was the most abnormal day as the whole day he just kept quiet, very quiet; there was no laughter or sharing. I did not say or ask anything as somehow I could felt that I shouldn’t. The whole world remains silent at that moment. I was about to leave, told him, he asked me to do him a favor, sit nearer to him. I did as I thought he have something to tell me. Out of a sudden, he hugged me, tightly I did not push him away as I heard that he was mumbling some words near my ears and I heard sobbing sound. What I could hear was only “gives me more time…” Felt that he was letting go of his hand, my first reaction was turn back and say bye, left myself with lots of question marks and walked away, without turning back. He called up that night and the only words that he said was sorry for his misbehave action. I thought of asking him what is happening but somehow, he put down the phone fast.

There were no calls, nothing from him since that day. I felt regret, I should not have left just like that; I had a strong feeling something was not right. I tried calling him after that but every time when I pick up the phone, my guts flews. I DARE NOT…

If I am not mistaken, it should be 6 months later. Again, my memories towards him are kind of faded. I got a phone call from a lady, claims that she is Victor’s sister. She got my number from a letter that Victor wrote for me. A letter that found in his drawer, after he was…gone?!?!?! Hell!! Deep shit, what happen? His sister did not explain much, just asked me to meet up somewhere for the letter. I did not` dare not meet her up. She called for few times and maybe cause by frustration and annoyed, she did not call up anymore.

What did she mean by “GONE”? What was written in the letter? What happened? Where is he? What did he mean by give him more time? I don’t even dare to ask these questions to myself, and somehow, I know that there will forever no answers for all these questions.

Though, until now, time washes lots of his memories off from me, but I could not forget, there was this guy name Victor, walked into my life when I was 14, and he left a bunch of question marks in my mind and gone…without a reason.

There is only one thing that I know, though I could not really recall how he looks like, but the smile on his face when he was saying “Hey girl, the zip on your beg is open, be careful...", I can still clearly remember..

Victor.Chong

Caring?

2008-07-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

Today when I came back from my dinner, I saw them again! The two brothers, I still remember the last time I saw them should be around a year back?

STOP YOUR WILD GUESS!!Let me finish la duh!

As usual, they are strolling along the road, slowly… The only difference after a year is only the younger brother could not walk anymore, he sit on a wheelchair quietly and his elder brother was pushing him from behind, patiently` slowly. From the younger brother's face, somehow could feel that he is tired and sad, somehow… maybe not… Basically I am too sure la, as I am not him. What I am trying to say here is: HEY!! I Really RESPECT his elder brother. Taking care of his younger brother, did not ever think of giving up and let go.

What I know of is this brother actually has polio since very young age. Every evening, the elder brother will bring him out for a walk, and he does not miss even once, cause every time after my work, I for sure seeing him helping his brother for an evening walk slowly. Until last year, I could not see them anymore. I thought like (sorry to say this man) does his younger brother passed away or something? (SORRY!!I did not mean to think like this!!) And today I finally found out that is because his younger brother could not walk anymore, he have to push by a wheelchair, have to takes longer time to finish the normal strolling.

Whenever I saw this scenario, I'll start thinking, how many people in this world now will have this kind of patients and perseverance to do all this? What my view of this world now only one word- SELFISH.

I am not bullshitting here, try spend some time, take a look at everything that is around you; people fighting with each others for NOTHING; arguing whole day long just for small matters; DON'T need to see too far away la, within your family, you could get to see this as well.

How many people in this world now will really care? Love? BULLSHIT! People in this world know only how to use the best way to hurt one and another, betray the loves one, USE the brain to think of all ways to revenge, every F***ing single minutes`single seconds!

AND

THIS IS THE WORLD!!

Introducing MYSELF?!?!?!

2008-07-08T09:24:00.000+08:00

So, let me see, I should start like this:" Hi, I am Amanda, an ordinary girl that behave and think like an ordinary girl. My favorite pass time would be go shopping with friends, watching movie, and my favorite topic will be discussing on the latest fashion, where to shop during Mega sales, where to go for facial, and make sure I am having the best appearance wherever and wherever I go……. Hell ya....

The above introduction, DEFINITELY not referring to me!

Call me NO GIRL!! See me NO GIRL!!

I don’t go shop for my clothes until the day when I open my closet, and find out that all my clothes like SHIT; my last visit to the beauty salon was…5 years back? Or even longer, just started to use facial products as I realize my face now…like SHIT; I talk NO fashion! No way, I’ll fall asleep, though I try to but it’s hard for me, that’s why whenever I need clothes, I’ll get my sister to choose for me and I do the paying; I stay up late night for LEVELING my game character (I’m a online game freak!); I do put make up to cover up my black eye circle (because of late night gaming/browsing) just to prevent from scare the hell out of others out there, hmmm, okay have to admit that nowadays I put make up to me myself “looks HOT?!?!”; I like to bully wild dogs, freak them out and chase me back ( I run slow, so basically I dare doing so when I’m on my bike.. I mean bicycle); I play FIGHTING game with guy friends (I mean during my primary school time), chasing each others with chairs (YES believe it, CHAIRS) and got punished by teachers in the end (but it didn’t stop us from doing so again); … okay okay, you can definitely see me a girl when you hear me shouting “Cockroach!” or “RATS!”; or even “MAD DOG!” (When I get chase by dogs without a bike).

Hence, this is the ORDINARY me.

And, why am I creating another blog as I already have one now, is all because of this stupid test:

http://www.criticsrant.com/bb/reading_level.aspx

Only because I write my blog in Chinese and the STUPID website does not recognize any languages beside English, hence it shows my result as “Can only be understood by Genius”!?!?!? (It definitely does not mean I am genius writing such a GENIUS blog, k? it’s the other way round... hmm I guess); and to IMPROVE (ya right, my English like shit, I always admit that) my English. Cheers!